I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.