I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro