just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
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So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.