This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.