2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
