I wish I only lived at night.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
