i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
