please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
