I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
