At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
