I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
