You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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