My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
