remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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