just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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