you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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