she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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