I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
farters have to be the big spoon...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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