I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
