I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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