Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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