Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
