Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
