but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
