The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
