having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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