so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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