a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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