I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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