he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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