Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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