my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
