I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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