no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
