My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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