at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
