Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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