just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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