I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
