I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
