I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
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Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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