If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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