Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
