Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
