Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
