i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
