I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
