I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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