why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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