life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize