Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
