Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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