you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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