You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
