My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
