I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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