I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
