I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
