i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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